Pettifogging

Another of my old saved humour emails. Pay particular attention to #8.

1. Ask to borrow someone’s pen- bring it to the bathroom- stick it in your butt- then return it and tell the person to smell it- when they tell you that it smells bad- be like, “It should! I had it in my butt!”
2. Brag about the fact that you own a gun, and keep playing with your nuts. Get them really sweaty, and then walk around shaking everyone’s hand.
3. Answer every question asked to you with ‘fuck if i know!’ then call the person a racial slur that doesn’t even match their race.
4. Always walk around with a big smile. Keep one hand down the front of your pants.
5. Run down the hall with your dick out while urinating all over and yell, “It won’t stop! God help me! It won’t stop!!” Then when it stops, look down and say….”Oh.”
6. Shit on the floor in your office and when someone comes in and sees it tell them its the fake plastic kind- when they try to pick it up, and realize that their hand is full of shit, laugh and point.
7. Before a meeting fill your mouth with custard- then during the meeting put one finger in the air and make like you’re hocking up a big loogie-then spit the custard into a clear glass and hand it to the person next to you and say “Beat that!”
8. Inform a male coworker that he “wouldn’t make a good hooker,” then piss in his coffee and tell him he needs a good “ass fucking”.
9. Keep telling the same person that they have bad breath even if they don’t, and then punch them in the mouth.
10. Announce in a meeting that you have AIDS. After everyone gives you the sympathy remarks- tell everyone how you’re just kidding- tell everyone that they’re just a bunch of retards.

Clearing out old archived email has led me to discover a couple old gems of humour from the past.

First off “The Cowboys”, sent via the Oracle Service Humor Mailing List back in 1997:

A man and his son recently moved to Texas. One Saturday afternoon they decided to take a walk through the park.  During the walk the boy sees 2 cowboys walk by.

“Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!”

The father is surprised by this and tells his son that that is not very nice language to use.

A few minutes later, 2 more cowboys walk by and again the boy yells, “Dad, look at those bow legged bastards!”

The father, quite upset now turns to his son and says, “I told you not to say that and I do not want to hear it again, or else.” Just a few minutes go by and another pair of cowboys, walk by and once again the child yells, “Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!”

“That’s it!” the father yells, and takes the child home and locks him in his room with the complete works of  Shakespeare.

Two weeks later, he lets his son out and notices that he has taken to speaking like Shakespeare wrote. This impressed the father so he decided to

take his son out for another walk through the park. As they were walking a pair of cowboys walk past them.

The boy turns to his father and says, “Father, what strange men are these, whose balls hang in parentheses?”

A little later I’ll post “Top ten ways to be ‘the funny guy’ in your office”.