No matter how hard I stare in the mirror, I still don’t see an adult looking back at me.

I laid awake last night imagining that within my sinus cavity was a majestic mountain range just entering early Spring.  The great floes of mucus were melting, feeding the gushing streams of snot flowing unabated out of my nose.  Meanwhile, far below, a team of dwarves were loosening the chunks of phlegm that were carried upwards by the coughs they perceived as cataclysmic earthquakes.

So that was my night… how was yours?

My Kingdom for Simple Conveniences

As I slowly work toward our eventual return to the US, I’m getting more frustrated with some of the minor stupidities I encounter daily.  Here’s a few examples:

Timed Heating: Our heat in the cottage is not hooked to any form of thermostat.  Instead there’s a timer which allows you to decide when the boiler and radiators run.  You can control the temperature that the boiler heats the water to and the level of each radiator (on a scale of one to five).  What you can’t do is set a temperature and have the house stay at it.  It’s such an inefficient way of keeping a house heated in the winter; you’re constantly having to monitor the upcoming forecast and adjust when the system runs as well as what temp the boiler should heat the water to.  I know there are thermostats in other houses here, but how does this system even exist in 2010?

Dual Tap Sinks: Every bathroom sink I have encountered in this country has separate taps for the hot and cold water, one on each side of the back of the basin.  Your choice of running water is either ice cold or boiling hot or to cup your hands, fill up with cold, then top them up with hot, lather, rinse, repeat.  There is no way to have a mix of water come out of a single tap; if you want that, your only choice is to fill the basin.  Very useless for a quick washing of your hands.  What’s funny is that in the kitchen most places have a single tap setup, so why not in the bathroom?

Ineffectual Detergents: I have NEVER had as many stains in my clothes than I have since living here.  No matter how I wash them, it seems the detergent is completely unable to actually wash the clothes and get dirt out of them.  I’ve tried brand after brand without a single step in fighting them.  In fact, it seems all I can do here is lock the stains in.

This complaint also goes for dishwashing liquid. It seems to be a pipe dream to think of having clean, grease-free dishes.  Some dishes have been washed multiple times and still have a thin oily layer on them.  There’s not much selection of dishwashing liquid here, so we’ve tried it all to no avail.  Even soaking in scalding soapy water makes little difference.  No wonder the British don’t rinse off their dishes when cleaning them.  It’s not like the soap is stronger than the water anyway.

Tiny Washers and Dryers: One day’s worth of clothes for me and my wife is just about equal to what the washer and dryer can hold.  I’m almost lucky to be underemployed at the moment because it gives me time to get all the wash done given how many loads I have to do to get through the pile of dirties.  Even worse is that unless I specifically select the “Time Saver” option, the washer takes about two hours to do its tiny load.  In light of the previous complaint in this ranting post, you have to wonder just what the point is.  Not like anything’s getting cleaned anywhere near spotless.

Ice: The Brits have no concept of a cold drink.  Most ice cube trays you find here make the tiniest ice you can imagine, just about the size of a piece of Hubba Bubba gum.  Don’t expect any ice if you go to a fast food joint either.  At most you’ll have one to two pieces.  I guess the locals feel you’re ripping them off by filling the drink with ice instead of drink, but I’d much rather have it to be refreshingly cold than lukewarm.

Dispatches: Compare & Contrast

Tied in to the previous post, here’s two lists that my wife and I have put together about what we miss about America and what we would miss about Scotland.  Some of this is specific to my home state of Kentucky.  Lists are not in any particular order, nor have they been proofread.

America

1. Waffle House
2. Sam’s
3. Sugano
4. Cracker Barrel
5. Target
6. L.L. Bean
7. Whole Foods, Good Foods
8. Friends
9. Family
10. Halloween
11. Family gatherings
12. Southern culture
13. Mammoth Cave
14. Shaker Village
15. Libraries with DVDs
16. Porches
17. Summer evenings with insects and lightening bugs
18. Cardinals
19. I can return to teaching
20. Better roads and traffic
21. Keeneland
22. Tractor Supply
23. Opportunity
24. KY Horse Park
25. Horse Farms
26. I can vote
27. Health care, once acquired, has few waiting lists for non-critical procedures
28. Irish Rover
29. Easier to own a home
30. With a private school, probably better to raise a kid
31. Easier for both to get work, based on experience
32. I can return to my customizing hobby more easily
33. Warmer people in general
34. No eternal darkness during the winter
35. Joseph-Beth
36. Hippie second-hand bookstores
37. I can go to Joe con things with friends
38. No health & safety bs
39. Dia de los Muertos
40. The West
41. Warmer weather

Scotland

1. Castles
2. Compacted history
3. Family
4. Fish & chips
5. The sea
6. Mainland Europe plus Ireland
7. Free health care
8. A wide range of landscapes within small driving area (mountains, sea)
9. Wonderful trekking
10. No trespass laws/free access to the countryside
11. All horses around here are ridden english style
12. Wife can vote
13. Walking in towns to get to a shop rather than driving everywhere.
14. Main roads are not as intimidating as in America
15. Easy access to fresh fish.
16. No HFCS
17. Better vacation benefits (in general)
18. No tornadoes
19. Easy to buy fresh fish (straight from harbour)
20. Train rides
21. Real pubs
22. Edinburgh Festival
23. Olympia and Horse of the Year Show